The 5th Annual Bernstein Rager

⚠️ COSTUMES ARE MANDATORY ⚠️

This is not a suggestion. This is not a vibe. This is the law of the house.
Show up in street clothes and you will be turned away at the door,
publicly shamed, and talked about for the rest of the year.

"I came straight from work" is not a costume. "I'm dressed as myself" is not a costume. A single witch hat over a hoodie will be reviewed by the committee (the committee is Munch the dog, and she is strict).

Need Costume Inspiration?

The bar is high. Past legends include an axe-wielding corporate psycho and a bearded man in a nightgown. This year's committee-endorsed suggestions:

Gollum

"We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precious (the aux cord)."

Cheap, disturbing, and you get to crouch by the keg hissing at people all night. Committee-approved.

Joel Osteen

"The keg you want is already in the backyard. Receive it."

One thrifted suit + industrial quantities of teeth whitener. Spend the night blessing strangers and passing a collection plate for pizza money.

Tammy Faye Bakker

"God loves you, and so does this DJ."

The bigger the hair, the closer to heaven. Waterproof mascara is banned — those tears need to RUN by midnight.

Trailer Swift

"We are never ever ever gettin' the deposit back."

Blonde bangs, red lips, leopard everything, and a tallboy that never leaves your hand. Cheaper than the Eras Tour and you can do the whole discography from a lawn chair.

Saddam Hussein

"The only regime change tonight is the keg rotation."

Olive surplus-store uniform, a black beret, and the most committed mustache you can grow or glue. Bonus points for surfacing dramatically from a "spider hole" (the basement) around midnight.

Kim Jong Un

"Supreme Leader of the dance floor."

The haircut IS the costume — shaved sides, flat black top. Add a buttoned-up black suit and refuse to crack a smile in a single photo all night.

What Awaits You Inside

All killer, no filler. The essentials are covered — you just bring the costume and questionable decisions.

🍺 TWO. FULL. KEGS. 🍺

Not one keg. TWO kegs. Dual-wielded, tandem-keg-stand capable. Bring your quads warmed up.

Two guests in costume working the keg tap over a bucket of ice under purple party lights — actual keg footage — the sacred pump ritual

A Real DJ

Live sets all night on real hardware. Last year the DJ wore a blood-soaked nightgown and never missed a transition. Expectations are set.

Late Night Pizza

Hot pies materialize when the night needs them most. Scientifically timed to the exact moment the second keg starts floating.

Scenes From Ragers Past

Four years of evidence. This is the energy you are signing up for — study the tape, then top it.

Two guests in full costume — an axe-wielding businessman and a bearded man in a bloody nightgown — costume game: unwell (correct)

The DJ playing a live set on Pioneer decks surrounded by cobwebs and a giant spider — the DJ, mid-haunting

Packed dance floor under blacklight with neon paint splotches — the dance floor at velocity

Two skeletons riding a bicycle in front of the house at 3435 Alcott St — the welcoming committee, 3435 alcott

Packed dance floor with disco lights, cobwebs, and a purple mascot costume in the crowd — full capacity. yes, that is grimace.

Three guests dressed as a deer hunter, a deer, and a mullet cowboy, with two dogs — the hunter, the deer, the keystone cowboy

Guest in a blond mullet wig, knotted flannel crop top, jorts, and cowboy boots in the garage — business up top, misdemeanors below

Guest in a white angel costume chugging from a large jug by the fireplace — an angel, hydrating responsibly

A grim-reaper decoration looms as guests move through a blue-lit, fog-filled hallway — the fog machine won. everyone else lost.

A guest in a denim vest and cowboy boots poses with the blond mullet guest draped over his knee — somebody's gotta carry the mullet

A guest in a tiara leans in to kiss a gruesome zombie-monster mask beneath a giant spider — true love, under the spider

A guest in a toga and headband dances with a red cup among candles and cobwebs — toga status: achieved

Guests dressed as Prince, a toga-wearer, and a mariachi under disco lights — Prince, a toga, and a full mariachi kit

A guest with cracked-porcelain-doll face makeup, cat ears, and a beaded choker in blue smoke — cracked doll, fully committed

A grinning guest in a hard hat and sunglasses lit by green laser beams — hard hat area — lasers in effect

A guest in a mirror-ball helmet faces off with the purple mascot as red lasers streak between them — disco-head vs. grimace: laser duel

A guest in a cow onesie and black cowboy hat with another guest crouching beside him under blue light — the cow came home. in a cowboy hat.